I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
