i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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