a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize