I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize