Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
