I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
