sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
