I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
