Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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