Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
