i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
