i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
