I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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