No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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