My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize