So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
