you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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