he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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