I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
