drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
