My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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