Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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