So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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