Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
