You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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