I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
