Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
whose parrot is this?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
