the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
