I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize