life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
