i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
