Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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