I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
