I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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