My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize