I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
