he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
