she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
