it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
