So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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