She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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