if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
