rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
