I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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