No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We had sex on a dog bed..
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
