Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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