I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We need a shit load of segways right now
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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