I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
