Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
