Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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