Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize