I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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