Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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