Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
