My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
