Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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