My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
