Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
